Episode 3

I am not a clean freak. I'm incredibly unorganized. 90% of the time my house looks like a tornado hit. There actually is a tornado that hits everyday. It's tornado Marshall. My 19 month old ball of curiosity. However, the kitchen tornado, that's all me, tornado Mandy. It's hard for me to find the motivation to clean my house- and I think most of that is because of my depression. It's hard for me to do most things because the motivation is rarely there. I often say to myself "every day is a struggle". I mean, I feel pretty happy most of the time, it's just getting myself to be productive. I'm like a child you have to constantly nag to clean their room. But it's myself doing the nagging- and often times, beating myself up over it. I compare myself to others too much- comparison steals joy. I need to really work on that- and I try, I just forget sometimes.

My husband is so good to me. He lets me be me and encourages me to do all I can to be happy. He makes me happy. My children make me happy. My friends and family make me happy. My home, however, just makes me feel embarrassed. It's old and not updated at all. We don't have a lawn mower so you can imagine how much more ghetto our house looks because our yard is treacherous.

I went to school for interior design. I LOVE to decorate- I love it! I love to make things look good- but my house, it needs a lot of work! And you know what that takes, money. So I know, someday, I'll have a beautiful home.

We have 5 people living in a tiny space. This adds to the mess. My house is cluttered and full of kid stuff! I'm not complaining about the kid stuff. That means I have children to share my life and home with. And that is happiness.

Although my house is an embarrassing mess, it's full of love and fun and happiness. And for that, I am truly grateful. I just need to chill out about beating myself up for the ghetto-ness and just remember, "This is life for now, be happy and constantly grateful because this mess isn't forever."

My cute little tornadoes. (This picture wasn't taken at my house.)

Tornado Marshall

Baby Layla

My helper, Gracie

Note the mess in the background- My sweet little life!

Episode 2

This may seem silly or superficial but I don't care. It's my view. I feel better than I look. I don't feel like I weigh 175 pounds. I feel like I should be a size 8, not a size 14. I feel like I shouldn't look so round in pictures and in the mirror. But I do. When I got married, at age 21, I weighed 125 lbs. I gained some weight pretty quickly and weighed 140 lbs. Then, when I was 26, I was diagnosed with ITP and put on the medication prednisone. This medication made me jump to 175 pounds! It was unfair. But I was able to lose a bunch of it and got down to 150. Then through out the years got up to 160. 3 years ago I lost 15 pounds- and then in a month, I gained it all back- GEEZ what a roller coaster! So I was steady at 160 ish for about 3 years. I even had a personal trainer for 6 months in between and I didn't lose 1 pound. I worked out a lot and ate really well. My clothes didn't even fit looser! I had my metabolic rate tested. I have a slow metabolism. So, according to the test results, if I eat 1200 calories per day I'll lose weight. I can't remember how long I did that torturous regimen but I didn't lose any weight. Then in September 2014, a day or two before I turned 31, I found out I was miraculously pregnant after being told I'd never get pregnant and adopting 3 kids. Well, the pregnancy was short- 15 weeks. But I gained 15 pounds! So I'm back at my highest 175 pounds. NOT COOL! I gained the weight soooo quickly but I can't seem to lose it. It's been 3 months since my miscarriage and my fat still plagues me regardless of my exercise and good eating. I'm discouraged and I feel horrible about myself. I'm embarrassed for people to see me. I feel like they are thinking "Wow, she sure has gained a lot of weight." I want to scream and cry daily when I see myself because it's not me! My body is jacked up. I can't lose weight. It's not fair.

125 Pounds

175 Pounds

Pilot

The Anxiety

Growing up I was, I guess you could say, mean. I had a short temper. Once I got married, nearly 10 years ago, I decided I wasn't someone I'd want to be married to because of my short fuse and moodiness. So I got on anxiety medication for the first time in my life. I'm a much better me now that I'm on it. Yep, I take medication. I think my husband agrees that I am a happier me. I think we all need to do what we can to be our better selves for those around us. No one is perfect- if you feel like you would benefit from taking prescribed medication, then do it.

The Depression

I've also been off and on depression medication. There are times I have no desire to do my usual daily tasks. The only task I wanted to do was sleep. I'd cry a lot- and more than usual. I am usually a crier. Most any emotion makes me cry- that's how I tend to express myself. But when I get into my depressed phases I cry A LOT and for no reason at all. When I get into a depressed state, it's because something in my life has triggered it. But I know that isn't the case for many depressed people. I restate: No one is perfect- if you feel like you would benefit from taking prescribed medication, then do it.

Yes, I take medication and I am a better me for doing it.