Episode 7

The lazy house wife

There's so much more I'd rather be doing (like crafting) than cleaning my crappity crap house every, single day. And my kids, they mess the heck out of my house! But I do the cleaning dash. The cleaning dash is something I made up. I set a timer and do 5 minutes per room working as quickly as you can. Preferably just before the husband gets home from work. That way the house looks like I've kept it clean all day! And there you have it, the secrets of the lazy house wife.

Episode 6

I feel like my trials have been chosen for me so I could have empathy for others. Heart ache, unable to conceive, adoption, in and out of the hospital with an auto immune disease, surgery, loss of family income, struggle to make ends meet, 15 weeks of pregnancy- this was a strange pregnancy because not only was I supposed to not get pregnant but my body changed a lot. I also had morning sickness. I've felt loss and sorrow. I get sick easily and often. And many more. I feel like my trials help me help others- or at least be there for them, encouraging them, supporting them. Otherwise, I may just be super selfish (cuz I'm still selfish) and wrapped up in me things and my life. I'm thankful for my trials. With out them, I wouldn't be me.

A face which was full of tears. Crying, a great release.

My most recent stay in the hospital. I had a D&C and I lost 40% of my blood.

Episode 5

It doesn't matter how much I try to be the best me I can be- some people will never be happy with me. So then what do I do about those people? I say they are toxic and I don't need toxic people in my life. But sometimes, there is no avoiding them. Because they will never be happy, it doesn't mean I've failed. I like to think I'm a good person. I treat others fairly and I'm kind. I'm quick to forgive and I tend to get over things quickly. What do I do with repeat offenders? The space that I had for them in my heart begins to close. I lose faith in them. I push them away. I don't need anyone to make life harder for me than it already is. God said to always forgive so I do. But it's hard to forget when it keeps happening and keeps tearing me down. This is my view for today.

Episode 4

Following the spirit through out adoption


When I was 24 I found out, after 2 years of trying to conceive with no success, that I could not and would not ever have children. As soon as the doctor told me this my mind and heart immediately turned to adoption. Before the week was through we
had sent in paper work to start the adoption process.

Our oldest, 5 year old Gracie, was in her birth mom's tummy when I found out about her. My cousin, Kaycee,  had introduced us to her friend who had adopted. When I was talking on the phone to this friend, Shannon, she brought up her friend, Jenna who was pregnant, with a girl, and due in June. As soon as Shannon said it was a baby girl, I knew it was going to be my sweet baby. Having this feeling, however, didn't take away any nervousness and roller coaster of emotion that comes along with waiting to be chosen to adopt. But wonderful Jenna did chose us and Gracie became our sweet child.

Before we applied to adopt baby number two there was a string of events that finally led us to it. I wanted another baby. Blake, my husband, wasn't ready- we both needed to be ready but I was heartbroken that he wasn't. I just needed to be patient. I thought there was no way we could afford another adoption like Gracie's so I was looking into foster care and foster-to-adopt. I never felt a peaceful feeling about it. I always felt wretched and uneasy about the thought when I would research online. Not that foster care is horrible, by any means, but it was just the spirit telling me that right now is not the time for it. So I pushed those desires to do foster care aside. But I felt at a loss again thinking we wouldn't be able to adopt any other way because it is so expensive! One day I was feeling helpless and praying to my Heavenly Father for direction. The answer hit me strong and immediately. "Apply for adoption through LDS Family Services" Blake still hadn't expressed his readiness to adopt. But I went to him in tears after my prayer and told him what I felt. He said "Go for it, babe" So we began the process for adoption for our second time. The process when quick. I felt a push and desire, beyond my own confidence, to do a fundraiser. We had a lot of support and we were able to raise half the money we needed to pay to the adoption agency. Luckily, I got in a car accident and got the money from the car to help pay too. (blessing in disguise) We also had tax returns to help us out. And we needed the help. This was going to be an expensive adoption for us. It was going to happen in Las Vegas, NV. But before he was born, we went to Oregon to meet his birth mom.

Blake served his mission in Oregon and a lady he taught and baptized still kept in contact with him. It was during the Priesthood session of conference when Blake got a call from her out of the blue. She was talking about how her boyfriend at the time had a daughter who was pregnant and wanting to place him for adoption. She told this young woman about us. I had been praying for answers for adoption to come to us during conference- I was thinking we would get a notion as to when we would adopt again and that it would be revealed through a talk or something- I don't know exactly what I was thinking but I know I wanted answers. And this was an answer. A few weeks later, after adding each other as friends on Facebook, she told us she wanted us to adopt her baby boy.

Now, joining an agency to do the adoption was key. Although we didn't have any help from the agency to find our birth mom, she ended up moving to NV before he was born and in NV they require you to have an agency to adopt. I was so thankful we listened to the promptings and applied with LDFS.

When Marshall, adopted baby number 2, was only a few months old, I got a text from Gracie's birth mom. One whom we had still kept close with through out the years. She told me she was pregnant and was hoping we would adopt her baby, again. I excitedly read the text to Blake and he and I didn't even need to think or talk to each other. We mutually knew the answer was a yes and responded right away. I was happy and grateful the spirit was able to speak to us both at the same time and we were able to answer Jenna immediately.

I've heard before "Adoption isn't for the faint of heart" This couldn't be more true. It's hard. It's trying. It takes a lot of faith. I wouldn't have been able to go through it all with out the help of my Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost.

Episode 3

I am not a clean freak. I'm incredibly unorganized. 90% of the time my house looks like a tornado hit. There actually is a tornado that hits everyday. It's tornado Marshall. My 19 month old ball of curiosity. However, the kitchen tornado, that's all me, tornado Mandy. It's hard for me to find the motivation to clean my house- and I think most of that is because of my depression. It's hard for me to do most things because the motivation is rarely there. I often say to myself "every day is a struggle". I mean, I feel pretty happy most of the time, it's just getting myself to be productive. I'm like a child you have to constantly nag to clean their room. But it's myself doing the nagging- and often times, beating myself up over it. I compare myself to others too much- comparison steals joy. I need to really work on that- and I try, I just forget sometimes.

My husband is so good to me. He lets me be me and encourages me to do all I can to be happy. He makes me happy. My children make me happy. My friends and family make me happy. My home, however, just makes me feel embarrassed. It's old and not updated at all. We don't have a lawn mower so you can imagine how much more ghetto our house looks because our yard is treacherous.

I went to school for interior design. I LOVE to decorate- I love it! I love to make things look good- but my house, it needs a lot of work! And you know what that takes, money. So I know, someday, I'll have a beautiful home.

We have 5 people living in a tiny space. This adds to the mess. My house is cluttered and full of kid stuff! I'm not complaining about the kid stuff. That means I have children to share my life and home with. And that is happiness.

Although my house is an embarrassing mess, it's full of love and fun and happiness. And for that, I am truly grateful. I just need to chill out about beating myself up for the ghetto-ness and just remember, "This is life for now, be happy and constantly grateful because this mess isn't forever."

My cute little tornadoes. (This picture wasn't taken at my house.)

Tornado Marshall

Baby Layla

My helper, Gracie

Note the mess in the background- My sweet little life!

Episode 2

This may seem silly or superficial but I don't care. It's my view. I feel better than I look. I don't feel like I weigh 175 pounds. I feel like I should be a size 8, not a size 14. I feel like I shouldn't look so round in pictures and in the mirror. But I do. When I got married, at age 21, I weighed 125 lbs. I gained some weight pretty quickly and weighed 140 lbs. Then, when I was 26, I was diagnosed with ITP and put on the medication prednisone. This medication made me jump to 175 pounds! It was unfair. But I was able to lose a bunch of it and got down to 150. Then through out the years got up to 160. 3 years ago I lost 15 pounds- and then in a month, I gained it all back- GEEZ what a roller coaster! So I was steady at 160 ish for about 3 years. I even had a personal trainer for 6 months in between and I didn't lose 1 pound. I worked out a lot and ate really well. My clothes didn't even fit looser! I had my metabolic rate tested. I have a slow metabolism. So, according to the test results, if I eat 1200 calories per day I'll lose weight. I can't remember how long I did that torturous regimen but I didn't lose any weight. Then in September 2014, a day or two before I turned 31, I found out I was miraculously pregnant after being told I'd never get pregnant and adopting 3 kids. Well, the pregnancy was short- 15 weeks. But I gained 15 pounds! So I'm back at my highest 175 pounds. NOT COOL! I gained the weight soooo quickly but I can't seem to lose it. It's been 3 months since my miscarriage and my fat still plagues me regardless of my exercise and good eating. I'm discouraged and I feel horrible about myself. I'm embarrassed for people to see me. I feel like they are thinking "Wow, she sure has gained a lot of weight." I want to scream and cry daily when I see myself because it's not me! My body is jacked up. I can't lose weight. It's not fair.

125 Pounds

175 Pounds

Pilot

The Anxiety

Growing up I was, I guess you could say, mean. I had a short temper. Once I got married, nearly 10 years ago, I decided I wasn't someone I'd want to be married to because of my short fuse and moodiness. So I got on anxiety medication for the first time in my life. I'm a much better me now that I'm on it. Yep, I take medication. I think my husband agrees that I am a happier me. I think we all need to do what we can to be our better selves for those around us. No one is perfect- if you feel like you would benefit from taking prescribed medication, then do it.

The Depression

I've also been off and on depression medication. There are times I have no desire to do my usual daily tasks. The only task I wanted to do was sleep. I'd cry a lot- and more than usual. I am usually a crier. Most any emotion makes me cry- that's how I tend to express myself. But when I get into my depressed phases I cry A LOT and for no reason at all. When I get into a depressed state, it's because something in my life has triggered it. But I know that isn't the case for many depressed people. I restate: No one is perfect- if you feel like you would benefit from taking prescribed medication, then do it.

Yes, I take medication and I am a better me for doing it.